OkCupid (Part Two)

Here is a compilation of some of the best (worst) messages I’ve received on OkCupid, along with commentary (in italics.)

Subject: BRIAN

Message: LOVE YOUR PROFILE VERY INTERSTED IN YOU 

This may be my favorite message of all time. He’s yelling. He’s yelling his name at me in the subject line. And he’s yelling an incorrectly spelled word.

Message: Hello my name is don and I’m what your looking for

I’m going to risk sounding racist, but Don is a large black man with braids. … Am I what he’s looking for? This is my profile picture:

Subject: boo!

Message: I couldn’t help noticing you… stearing at me… haha 🙂

…Was I staring at you? Or, I’m sorry, stearing. I’ll have to stop doing that.

The following exchange is in reference to a photo in which my chinchilla is sitting on my shoulder. I realize that plenty of people aren’t familiar with chinchillas, but his lengthy tail is visible. Do rabbits generally have long tails?

Him: Im going to fight that rabbit!!! Why is it looking so hard at me!?!?!?!?

Me: probably because it isn’t a rabbit at all!

Him: oh shit well….. you can fight me than for such a blasphemous statement.

Me: or you can just guess what it is?

Him: my boy google has my back!!! I know what it is if it proves not to be a rabbit, must be one of those crazy tree rabbits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Twenty – count ‘em – twenty exclamation points.

Message: You have a interesting profile, full of interesting facts…and you are super sexyu looking.

I feel like SUPER SEXYU is something someone would shout while punching a fist into the air in a stereotypical Japanese commercial.

Message: I would walk back to Chicago then let a blind epileptic man shave my entire body with a hunter’s knife just to share a deep dish pizza with you.

This speaks for itself.

Message: Hey there. I’m in aurora too. Kinda bored and feel like tattooing. If ur interested in hanging out and doing some art let me know. Cute profile btw. Danny (phone number).

Kinda bored and feel like tattooing. ..what?

Him: would you fuck for 100?

Me: 100… dollars? pop tarts?

Him: pop tarts. i can also bake pumpkin bread for you.

I couldn’t resist.

Message: cute pics girl….want to chat…i am looking for some new friends…

…says a man who only has photos of his crotch.

in women’s underwear.

Two messages from the same person sent within a week:

Message: Christ youre sexy

Message: Crap youre gorgeous

WHAT WILL HE SAY NEXT?!

Message: Do you like thunderstorms? i like to lay down and relax and think when it thunderstorms actually helps me fall asleep unless the power goes out 😦

THE END.

(For now.)

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